||[Feb. 27th, 2005|04:28 pm]
To make a big comment to Kirsten's last post and the subsiquent comments it had:
Relationships do die. It's hard, because we build them and build them, and then, as young adults, we suddenly change and we lose these people we've spent years getting close to. And that hurts like hell.
Here is my story about friends. (Names changed for my sanity although if these people ever read this, they'd know who they are)
In 5th grade I met Kate. She had just moved to my town and after a somewhat akward first meeting, we became great friends. She lived a few houses down, so we would chill out there together, draw, and talk about our first real crushes. Our friends Ash and Tess made us four best friends. Then, in the middle of 6th grade, Kate began to act strangely. She began lying to me, telling me she was signed up to get a record contract (news to me. Not only was Kate a terrible singer, she had a speech impediment that made her difficult to understand at times. There was no way anyone would ever sign her on as a singer...) Then she began to talk behind my back and hang out with one of her other groups of friends. While I was a straight A honors student, Kate bordered on the C+ range and was in support classes. The jealousy got too much. She began to say ridiculous things to me and favor kids who were in her special assistance classes. It came to a boiling point when during field day, we were with a group of mutual friends, and she turned to me and made the meanest comment our immature 6th grade brains could fathom. "Natalie," she said to a nearby friend. "Would want to get raped. She'd like it."
Shocked by this idea of SEX and not only with a gross boy (!) but someone who I didn't want to have it with, I got upset. A mutual friend told Kate to back off, but I was done. I lost a best friend and cried to my mother. I had never met anyone meaner.
Troubles didn't end there. Once Kate was gone, I focused my friendship energies on my old friend, Tess. I was friends with Tess until 8th grade when things went downhill. Tess was always shy, and she went through a strange bout of depression over failing grades and uninclusive friends. It was no one's fault but hers- she never put in effort. But someone, I got blamed for excluding her and she took a week off school and sent me a scathing email blaming me for things I had never done. Tess went off to boarding school for high school and we lost touch. We rarely see eachother anymore even though we had been great friends since meeting in 1st grade.
Ash was my oldest friend. We had met in Kindergarden, attended church together since that time, and played dress up for years. When we hit middle school, we managed to remain pretty good friends despite different classes. In eighth grade, I went through a tough time not only losing Tess, but having Ash lose touch too. She hung out with more popular girls and made sly comments about me during Religious Ed. My mom tried to comfort me, telling me Ash would come around eventually. It took her until late in my Junior year for her to realize we were meant to be friends. She came back and we're close again.
In that akward period between Ash, I made six best friends that lasted from eighth grade until junior year. We were so close in 8th and 9th grade and when we hit 10th, things fell apart. Everyone in the group had a best friend, and I, being person #7, was the odd egg. It was ok, because we all got along well. One particular girl, Diana, I considered my best friend. Then she went off and joined some hippy alt- religious group and totally changed. She started doing reckless things and pulled another friend into the group. By default, two others got pulled in and suddenly I was never called, never invited out. I tried helplessly to plan days where we'd all hang out, but I was still the third wheel. The final straw came in junior year on my birthday. Several days before, I was approached by Diana and another, asking me to come to a surprise party for a friend, Ally, whose birthday was 2 days before mine. I smiled and agreed, thinking how brilliant it was of them to have a joint surprise party for Ally and I, but to tell me it was only for her. I showed up and was heartbroken. The party was solely for Ally, who, when she walked in, gave me the oddest look as if to say, "why isn't this party for you too?" Somehow, someone must have told Diana how upset I was. Two days later while working on a play, I came to crew call to find some supermarket-made cupcakes and "Happy Birthday Natalie" taped on the stage in masking tape. Whoo-hoo. I spent the next day on my hands and knees scraping the tape off after it had melted onto the stage under the lights. Some friends.
So Senior year, I had a total of TWO great friends my age, the rest were from other classes. I had a total of ONE girl friend my age. Sad.
Thank god for college.
For those of you who know me, I apologize if I'm clingy, but I don't want to lose you. I hope these ones last.
Sorry if that was depressing, but it was cleansing for me. I'm done trying to make people love me who don't. I waisted two years of high school tagging along with six girls who really didn't give a shit about me. And I'm so damn glad I eventually realized that, though I wasted many tears on the subject. So, to those of you who have stuck with me..S and C from home, and my new friends at college, thank you.